Warning: For Those Traveling to Buenos Aires

This is a post I made for some friends recently. I was venting about a bad day here and it came out pretty funny, I suppose. I got such a good reaction, that I thought I would repost it here. You'll have to excuse the language, Dear Readers, it was not intended for such sophisticated subscribers such as yourselves. : )

Warning: For Those Traveling to Buenos Aires
1. I had heard that because there are so many Europeans here, you do not necessarily need to know spanish to get around. that's false. And even if you thought you knew spanish (me), you fucking don't.
2. if you shout "fuck bush" or "obama" or "hugo chavez" in a crowded club. you'll make some friends.
3. Ladies, if you even look at a boy for half a second, they will put their tongue down your throat and say you're boring if you get offended.
4. Don't go through something at a club that people call the "fuck tunnel" with your cell phone in your back pocket, it will get stolen. so you'll get fucked either way.
5. When it's raining, do not ask for a "pancho," you will get a hot dog.
6. When sitting in a cafe, don't expect to leave sooner than 4 hours later. This is the "tranquilo" lifestyle. straight up.
7. Hostels are a good way to make friends. beware the "Hostel Hoe," it may be you.
8. If your landlord has a wolf finger, don't pay her in American dollars.
9. BEWARE of the gatorade lookalike, it does not taste like orange or glacier ice or blue fucking courage, it tastes like rotting corpse.
10. The people of Beunos Aires are into candy. But if you buy a cracker that says it tastes like a cheeseburger or pizza, it tastes like a triscuit.
11. You wanna get a cheese pizza? Oh no, you get a thick crust loaded with mozzarella that tastes closer to ass than ass itself. Where's the marinara sauce? Good question. If you want pepperoni, be prepared to get blood sausage or just straight hot dog.
12. You thought you were going to eat dinner at 7pm? Oh no, child, you're still sleeping off the mediocre night at the club. Dinner is at midnight, if best.
13. Last but not least, don't set foot in La Boca (The Mouth of BA) - we have not actually been there but apparently it is the closest thing to hell you can get here. night time + dress + no panties + la boca = ass slave. Even locals are afraid of being "stolen," whatever the hell that means. sounds fun. boca juniors games are held in this side of town, enough said. i'm there.

with love, your friends,
james and kate, better known as "la casa it's too real."